Song Info: Presenting you Amir Safi – Ode to Whataburger.
Amir Safi – Ode to Whataburger
Oh Whataburger
Texas-born titan
A-frame shelter
Pilgrimage for the South
Church of meat, grease, and longer waits
Perfectly salted pulpit for the hungry
We are knelt before you in drive-thru and car seat or strangely-shaped table that consists of half booth, half chairs
We have come to receive your honey butter chicken blessings
Your commercials, our sermon
William H. Bassett, the narrator’s voice, is the equivalent to that of my grandfather or the Archangel Gabriel as he preaches
You know that feeling you get when you could have ordered your burger with extra onions, grilled jalapenos, three slices of cheese, but you didn’t and your buddy did?
That’s what we call getting out-Whataburger’d
36,864 different customizable deities
Other fast-food chains are not worthy of comparison
Burger King isn’t open 24 hours
Chick-Fil-A does not serve 100% USDA inspected, fresh, never frozen beef
McDonald’s would benefit from a PR lesson from you
And Arby’s
Arby’s has enough problems
They chose to compete with like the fifth most popular meat option
And Wendy’s
Wendy’s wants to be you when she grows up
Your business model is not to guilt us with calories
But empower us with affirmation when you say “Just Like You Like It”
Oh Whataburger
You would be a sweet, sweet lover, but that’s for another poem
In high school, you are a place to hang that didn’t involve the words “pasture party”
In college, you are our live 2:00 a.m. entertainment
You’re the only place I’ve ever felt safe sitting next to a cop
What I’m trying to say is that I once told the Whataburger drive-thru employee that I loved him
I was simultaneously on the phone with my girlfriend Kirsten
And there may have been some confusion from the bottom of my A1 thick and hearty heart of hearts
Thank you for the milkshakes
Thank you for the ketchup
Thank you for the spicy ketchup
Thank you for the chicken strips and gravy, southern hospitality, and apple pie goodness
And thank you for that one time Zach Hill ordered a sweet tea and the drive-thru lady told me “I hope you like this, I put my heart into it”
I know you did
I know
This is the end of the Lyrics